Thrown In The Deep End

Today I was thrown into the deep end. No hand holding, no explanations. Just thrown in. I thought I was prepared. I had Emma snacks, busy activities, diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer...my bag was full of tricks. I woke up behind because I woke up with such bad anxiety about today that I was sick and couldn't hold down water let alone food. I was told to expect the day to last 2-3 hours, laughable. When we reached hour 4 and Emma was only hooked up to IV fluids, no doctor was in sight, I was feeling faint and Cora slapped my water out of my hand drenching both of us I knew it was going to be a long day. And it was.

I finally told a nurse in passing it was our first chemo day and she took pity on me and described what to expect. One would think a Children' hospital would have someone there to help newbies!

We busted out of hospital jail at 5pm, we arrived just after 10:30am. I am beginning to realize that

with the two hour drive each way this once a week nightmare will take the entire day every single week. It suddenly occurred to me that I not only need help watching our other children but I need someone to come with me to the hospital as emotional and physical support. It is dawning on me how horrifying this situation has become and will continue to be for the next year.

In all this mess Emma did great. We had some meltdowns while accessing her port, I held her and we both cried and then Cora joined us. For the day she mostly she just played and got tangled up in her IV cords and asked if she could go home. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that she doesn't fully understand what is going on, part of me wishes I didn't know everything. I talked to the Oncologist today while we were there. It appears that her cancerous tumor has taken a temporary

break from growing but another one that we have been watching that is deeper in her brain has taken to growing in size. Hopefully the chemo will kill them both. I hate you tumors, it is time to die!

Please pray for us as we march onward and if anyone has an leads on babysitters please contact me. Emma and I will be doing her first photoshoot for her inspirational project this Saturday to lift our spirits and to put a face to the project for our sponsors.