I should feel happy.
I should feel joy.
Instead I feel anger.
Resentment.
Frustration.
Guilt.
Fear mongering led me here. Lies lay the foundation. Depression closed the curtains.
It is dark where I sit. I mourn the loss of my own life the last two years. I miss my good health. I miss being happy. I miss being able to make plans for the future.
Today Stanford handed me back my life and Emma's. For one brief moment relief washed over me. My baby was going to LIVE. She was not going to die a horrible death from a cancerous brain tumor taking over her functions. Live. It would be a life of monitoring and surgeries and medications but it was going to be a life. The relief washed over me and was quickly replaced by anger.
I felt the Mama Bear ROAR inside of me.
Emma was not miraculously healed, she was accurately diagnosed and now had a treatment plan appropriate for that diagnosis.
What if I fought harder when the doctors refused to do my referrals? What if I pushed Stanford harder to accept the referral from our family doctor? What if I said "screw the insurance" and carted her off to Stanford at the very beginning when our insurance refused to cover the facility? Did I push hard enough?
Tears.
My newsfeed displays bald heads, "in memory of" pictures, and parents begging for prayer. Guilt. Why do they have to continue to fight and we are now free? I should be happy.
Last year my kid had cancer. This year she will not. This year I will not have nightmares of her funeral. This year will not be filled with chemo tantrums, needles, handfuls of hair on our pillow case.
We are free. Why can't I be happy?
The story of Emma's journey of neurofibromatosis brain tumors and blindness.
God bless you...give yourself some time.
ReplyDeleteOh Anya :( I don't know how you're feeling, as I have fortunately never had to experience what you are. You are an incredibly strong and beautiful and mama! I pray for all of you daily. I'm sure the guilt and anger you are feeling is all normal and part of the process you are going through. Hang in there sweetie. Emma is on the road to feeling so much better soon!! Amen to Stanford!!
ReplyDeleteI don't usually comment on blogs but I've been following your journey off and on. I have never experienced what you and your family are going through but have gone through a guilt journey of why am I here when someone else is not. It's not an easy journey but I do believe it's a normal process. I came out extrememly grateful in the end and can accept that now and realize that being so doesn't take away anything from anyone else, or my sadness & empathy for others. I'm so glad you found Stanford! Yes, it would have been great to get in there before but, for whatever reason, you couldn't. Maybe later you will learn the reasons, maybe never. Life is strange like that. I am extremely confident that after a period of "mourning" you will find joy. :) {and your willingness and ability to help others while helping your daughter is amazing} Take care and hugs to you all!
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog since last october.I've continued to pray for your daughter.When I read that Emma won't die I almost shouted Thank you Lord.You are an amazing mother who has continued to glorify God through your struggles and your family's struggling throughout Emma'so journey with cancer.
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