Tuesday, November 10, 2015


The day started and ended with tears.

I stood in the kitchen, back to the entry clutching my coffee that was catching tear after tear. My husband was lying in bed unable to move from a herniated disk and I was waiting for the doctor offices to open at Stanford. The MRI on Friday seemed light years away. The last few days had been a blur of doctor visits.

Low point.

My friends call me SuperMom because I do it all. Alone. No family near by to lend a helping hand or do a grocery run. Just me and a husband who normally works long hours but is now out of commission and a dear friend who helps way more than she should. Amber comes when she can but 99% of the time I do these appts alone with at least two of our three children. The thing is, I do not feel like SuperMom. I feel like an empty shell of the human I used to be. At times I gain some of who I am back. In down times of meds or when Daddy has a holiday off. As I ran the 10 mile Serena SF run across the Golden Gate Bridge two weeks ago I saw a glimpse of her. The woman I want to be. The woman that aggravates an old ballet injury in her hip on the second mile climbing up what can only be described as a "baby mountain" but says, "I will finish what I started." Then she crosses the finish line.

The day started in tears with me wondering who I am and if I can handle all of this mess. After a few hours my calls were returned. Clear scans...stable...made the right choice. "I am sorry, what? Can you repeat that?" Then the Oncologist said something that will ring in my head forever, "You are stable. You made the right choice to pull her off of Vinblastine." Tears.

The day ended in tears but this time happy tears. I was right. I had been right all along. She was stable now. I could breathe.

This is not the end. Emma will still be monitored every three months for the foreseeable future. There may be more meds and there most definitely will be more surgeries (next one in three months on her blind eye) but for now we are free. Free to enjoy the holidays with no meds. Free to train for my marathon and go to Disneyland and be a normal family. Freedom means so much.

This week was rough. It taught me some valuable lessons. First, that I am capable of pushing beyond my limit. Second, that some people will never come to help no matter how bad things get. I need to
let that go if I want any type of relationship with them. Third, being a single mom SUCKS. Hats off to Amber who does it alone (but not for much longer! Congrats on the engagement!)

What is next for us? Well Daddy is off work for a week with no pay. Awesome, right? I am trying to host shows and sell things to make up the difference so I can still pay bills AND get Christmas presents. If anyone wants to order Matilda Jane for the blanket promo please do through us so my girls can get some goodies for Christmas! I will be starting a new home business this week as well to try to make some income from home. I know what you are thinking, "Does she have the time for that?" No, no I do not but do I have a choice? No. I am going to just do something for income I am already doing anyway so I will be a Beachbody Coach. If anyone is interested please contact me for info, if I can do it with all my craziness you can too! Last, and the most fun, we will be throwing Emma another No More Chemo party but this time she has requested Anna and Elsa themed. We will only have a couple friends over and all handmade since we are low on funds but I am Pinteresting away with Emma to come up with something fun!

Before I sign off a HUGE thank you for all your prayers and thoughtful messages of concern during this time. It means so much. I know you do not see this side of it but it usually makes me tear up and smile that someone cares so much. We love all of you and are so thankful you are on this journey with us!

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