Friday, December 2, 2016

Energy Drain

The last week and a half have been Hell. I have relearned some harsh lessons and I am still reeling from the lack of empathy. I will not go into too much detail but I will say that I decided something this week, if you do not care enough about us to ask us how we are doing or check up on our cancer journey I can no longer expend energy on you. This includes family. That's it. Moving on.

We rushed home from Los Angeles to the Bay Area because Gracie's MRI was moved from Thursday to Tuesday. Emma had been screaming in pain on car rides at waking out of a sound sleep at night so I called her team at Stanford. They all agreed it was very worrisome and put us on an MRI cancellation list to be seen as soon as possible. We got home, I organized a hospital bag, slept for 6 hours then packed Gracie and Cora up in the car and headed to Stanford. Literally as I am walking
Gracie waking up from her MRI
back to Post Op Recovery I get a call that they want Emma in the OR at 6am the next day. A comedy of errors...Emma was 3.5 hours of Bay Area traffic away from me at Katie's house. So we finished up with Gracie and packed up the car to drive home to Emma. I unpacked and repacked the hospital bag, slept for 5 hours, and left at 3am with Emma and Cora to go back to Stanford.

Yesterday I was home and looked around...a mess of half packed and half unpacked on my floor. Laundry. Dishes. Empty fridge. Suddenly I was very mad. The trauma of the week flooded me in one swift motion while I drank my second cup of coffee staring blankly at a dirty sink of dishes. I was mad that people who should care and should ask say nothing. I was mad that I had spent 19 hours out of the last 36 in the car in traffic. I was mad that I do not have a maid or a nanny or a grandma to come help with this mess. I let the anger get the better of me and spent most of my day cleaning and pouting but mostly just hating my life.

The nurse let Emma push the buttons
I think after all that processing and pouting I have finally figured out that I need to be more aware of where I spend my energy. People stepped up in a big way this week, friends sent Starbucks cards and one dropped off dinner. Women I have never met in person helped buy Christmas gifts for the girls and prayed with me and sent love. Those are the people I want to cherish and expend energy on, not the ones who drain.

Last thing I will say is this, if you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you it is not too late. Pick up the phone, ask to speak to Emma and Gracie and ask them how they are feeling. Send a "get well card". Email us. Anything. To everyone who helped in anyway thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Kindness and generosity kept me going this week.

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