Saturday, October 10, 2015

2 years

2 years ago at the pumpkin patch
Two years. Half of Emma's sweet and short life. This week marks two years since we first discovered Emma's issue with her eye. It was a normal day, we took the girls to a local pumpkin patch and I was taking pictures like usual. When we got home Brad mentioned that one of Emma's eyes was drifting off in a few of the pictures. He was right. I made an appointment with the pediatric optometrist expecting to come out with eye patches and a possible surgery date to correct crossed eyes. Instead we left with strict orders to report for an MRI. He saw a tumor. That is when everything changed.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I morphed into some kind of superhuman that runs on coffee and prayer. I know weird acronyms like ANC, I know what size needle Emma's port takes and how to access it properly, I now huff as I fill out "health history" reports on paperwork for Vacation Bible School and new doctors. I carry hand sanitizer. I live appointment to appointment. In downtime I still hold my breath and pray for no more bad news. Pills, pills everywhere. Mostly for Emma but now some for me. The person who took pride in diet change and essential oils to help nearly anything now takes daily medication for conditions related to stress. Your heart can only take so much, this I know to be true because now I take medication for my heart.

You never think it will be your child. It seems too horrific to imagine that your child would look like those St. Jude's posters. Then one day when you are holding a chunk of hair in your hands that came
Last year sleeping off chemo
off her head the horror of it all sinks in. Your life has changed.

You long for the day when it will be over and you fight as if there is a finish line. But the sad reality is it is never over. Emma is on her first break in 2 years from doctor visits, we start again in a couple weeks. Has this felt like a break? No. When you are strong because it is your only option your body and soul is worn down to the point that when you get a break all that happens is you realize how horrible it all was and have an emotional breakdown. I have said in both a teasing way and a truthful way that I might need a stay in the "loony bin". Honestly, if these three didn't need me so much I would have checked myself in a long time ago.

Two years. My life has been turned upside down for two years. It is all Emma remembers and that makes me so sad. She tells everyone, the person at Target, the lady in line at Trader Joe's, "I have a port but I don't go to the doctor anymore." For now...what if this all starts again? I shudder to think if Emma and I have to go round 2.

This week
The reality is Emma and I will never be the same. We walk this earth with both physical and emotional scars but I try to see that as making us more beautiful. Just like a war veteran has a story to go with each scar we do as well. We have a story and it is epic and it is ever ending.

This week I was building a Pinterest board for Gracie's Make a Wish. She has lower verbal skills then Emma so I thought a visual display of her favorite things would be helpful to the wish granters. We came across a quote in our search, "Even miracles take a little time." The Fairy Godmother said that. I believe that it is true. God is working in our lives and even His miracles take time. Until then I run on coffee and prayer.

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