|2 years ago at the pumpkin patch|
I am not the same person I was two years ago. I morphed into some kind of superhuman that runs on coffee and prayer. I know weird acronyms like ANC, I know what size needle Emma's port takes and how to access it properly, I now huff as I fill out "health history" reports on paperwork for Vacation Bible School and new doctors. I carry hand sanitizer. I live appointment to appointment. In downtime I still hold my breath and pray for no more bad news. Pills, pills everywhere. Mostly for Emma but now some for me. The person who took pride in diet change and essential oils to help nearly anything now takes daily medication for conditions related to stress. Your heart can only take so much, this I know to be true because now I take medication for my heart.
You never think it will be your child. It seems too horrific to imagine that your child would look like those St. Jude's posters. Then one day when you are holding a chunk of hair in your hands that came
|Last year sleeping off chemo|
You long for the day when it will be over and you fight as if there is a finish line. But the sad reality is it is never over. Emma is on her first break in 2 years from doctor visits, we start again in a couple weeks. Has this felt like a break? No. When you are strong because it is your only option your body and soul is worn down to the point that when you get a break all that happens is you realize how horrible it all was and have an emotional breakdown. I have said in both a teasing way and a truthful way that I might need a stay in the "loony bin". Honestly, if these three didn't need me so much I would have checked myself in a long time ago.
Two years. My life has been turned upside down for two years. It is all Emma remembers and that makes me so sad. She tells everyone, the person at Target, the lady in line at Trader Joe's, "I have a port but I don't go to the doctor anymore." For now...what if this all starts again? I shudder to think if Emma and I have to go round 2.
This week I was building a Pinterest board for Gracie's Make a Wish. She has lower verbal skills then Emma so I thought a visual display of her favorite things would be helpful to the wish granters. We came across a quote in our search, "Even miracles take a little time." The Fairy Godmother said that. I believe that it is true. God is working in our lives and even His miracles take time. Until then I run on coffee and prayer.