Sunday, August 30, 2015


Emma started ballet this week
In so many ways I feel broken. Not just me, everything around me. A year of weekly chemo took it's toll by breaking everything. Broken.

In the most literal sense things are broken. The biggest issue is our baby bus. Driving an extra 5 hours every week, sometimes twice a week, put mileage on it. A lot of mileage. We are now looking at nearly 100,000 on this van. I jokingly say it is possessed but sometimes I wonder if we really should have our church pray over this car. Doors open and close on their own. I shut all the windows and lock the car only to return to it after a 20 minute Target trip with one sliding door open or two windows rolled down. My neighbor comes over to warn me a door is open, I am doing the dishes and the alarm goes off by itself. At a red light the sliding door opens, anyone want a ride? About every other month we are putting money into it to keep it going, it is all adding up fast. I was already mad at this car, no livid. Then yesterday my drivers side window broke in the down position in 106 degree heat. Nice. Chemo killed my car.

In a less literal sense I feel broken. A shell of the woman I once was. I find myself walking around as if in a fog, stuck somewhere between sleep and awake. My chest feels heavy, my stomach turns, my eyes cry freely and constantly. Broken.

I dream about packing up the girls and taking a few days at the Grandparents to recover. Then I remember the car issues, I don't think it would make it. Stupid car.

This week we had a visit to the NF specialist on the west coast. We discussed the girls future. I knew we would not escape ADD or ADHD since nearly all NF kids have those disorders but somehow having the doctor confirm that they have it hit hard. With all these appointments to keep we decided to homeschool the girls full time. Luckily my Masters is in Special Education so I can tailor their lessons to their needs. The doctor said Emma is ahead cognitively and doing really well with her education despite the last year.

We also discussed Emma's new issues. These panic attacks she has been having are not good. The doctor thinks she has PTSD, after some research I believe I do as well. How do I help Emma when I am broken too? She has always been such an empathetic little love, I try so hard to keep my own feelings calm to keep her calm. But my brain is freaking out, now she is too. Broken.

The one hope I have is that God heals the broken. I trust that He will put our pieces back together in His time. Until then I pray hard and hold on to the hope that one day I will feel peace again. Today I ask for your prayers. We have been fighting so hard and for so long that we need some help to build back up again. Please pray for peace and comfort for Emma and myself.

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