Normal or Not?

I spend many days pondering this question, is this "normal"? Am I seeing normal behavior from twins? Is this normal for a premature baby? Is this normal for a child who has brain tumors,NF1? Is this normal for a child who went blind at 2 years old? Is this normal for a little girl who underwent weekly chemo treatments for a year?

As parents we try not to compare. We try not to say what is normal and abnormal for a child and instead see the child on a spectrum. Ya, in a perfect world.

If I was a perfect mother I would never ask myself the normal question. But I am flawed and I ask that those questions above to myself several times a day.

For a child of her age Emma has been through so much. She has not lead an easy life. I argue with myself to give her room. But...

Life with Emma is not easy. She is easily angered and throws wild rages. She rarely sleeps and we have tried everything from essential oils to noise machines to light to no light to security objects. No matter what we try she is up several times a night. She turns on the lights, runs through the house, toilet papers my bathroom, empties an entire bottle of shampoo in her dry hair, and paints with toothpaste. I hide things and she finds them. We take turns getting up with her at night and directing her back to bed only to be met with an Emma rage at 3am. Now the whole house is awake.

I try to have her work out with me during the day and do yoga to center her but each thing I model and do with her I am met with fierce resistance.

So I spend my days asking, is this normal for a 4.5 year old? Will she grow out of it? Will it just get worse? As we wait for Stanford to get us into their Psychiatric clinic wait and pray and try to run off my frustration. I love this kid and the questions of normalcy just will not stop.