Friday, July 11, 2014

follow His light in the darkness

Thank you to all the loved ones pouring out your support. Its hard for me to think that everything will get much worse before it gets better, your continued love and kindness keeps us going. The irony in finding out devastating news such as your child has cancer is, it should kill you. You feel like you are
dying of a broken heart but the cruel irony is you don't die. You continue living knowing what you know, facing the battle ahead. That saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I hate it. We have adopted the color yellow, the color for childhood cancer, and the motto "I fight like a girl." We will be strong, not because we are stronger then anyone else but because it is the only choice we have.

Each of us have our own way of dealing with pain. Mine is writing out my feelings. Sometimes dark, often unorthodox but very healing. Most of my blog posts I write go unpublished. I worry that they are a little too real to be sent out into the world. So I store them and sometimes I hit delete. But this one I wanted to share. Why? Because no child should get cancer, no mother should have to endure watching her child fight cancer, and I will not pretend that I'm fine. It is by Gods strength alone that I'm still here fighting. His word keeps me going, His arm holds me up. In this darkness I see His light. Many of you have told me that somehow this is a part of His plan. How sad. I hope not. I hope
that God cries with me. I believe He will turn our situation into a blessing for others, that He will somehow use us for the greater good. But I have to believe that His plan was not to give my baby cancer. I might be wrong, and that is okay. It's what I need to believe right now. 

Emma's tissue and test results are being examined by another set of eyes to confirm her diagnosis and search for any other abnormalities. The results of the tests will help determine her treatment. We went to Children's hospital today to meet with her team. It was a very frightening experience. If our diagnosis is correct (please God, I hope not) then her Genetics specialist said Emma has a 30% chance of living more then five years. Her oncologist was more optimistic and said to take it one day at a time. Emma is a fighter so we fight with her. She is going in next week for another MRI, this one of her brain and spine to see if more tumors are hiding in her spine then after that she will have surgery to place her chemo port. 

I am working on a before chemotherapy photo shoot for her to celebrate her journey into recovery. She will be wearing a Persnickity outfit to help promote their Millie's Princess Foundation which creates awareness and hope for those facing childhood cancer. The Persnickety clothing company truly went out if their way to make this happen. The dress is not in production until September but I wrote to them telling them about Emma and they found her a sample dress in her size and sent it to her as a gift! I am overwhelmed at their kindness and proud to promote the a Princess Millie 2014 dress. If you have a little girl please consider buying one to support their cause or you can donate to the Millie's Princess Foundation here,

When we discovered Emma had cancer I applied to Make a Wish to hopefully have something fun and positive for her to do in all these doctor appointments and surgeries. They contacted us on Thursday and we are now confirming her diagnosis with her doctors to determine if she will get to make a wish!  As depressing as it is to accept that my child is eligible I am glad that organizations like this one exists. We need to do something fun.

Please feel free to save and share that picture of super Emma and please continue to pray for us. 

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