Friday, November 21, 2014

Learning To Surf

Just when we thought we kicked the virus bug floating around our house it went back for round two! We ran more tests on her yesterday but everything came back clean so we know it is something minor and viral. Today she has more color and energy so I think we are on the upward trend. We were bumped up to Wednesday next week for chemo so we can spend the holidays with our church family and she only has to get one of the chemo drugs which should make for an easier week. After next week she gets two weeks off and a trip to Disneyland!

Emma's glasses are on order but I did my own footwork and found her a backup pair that may be better then the pair we ordered. Hopefully we get this girl in frames soon so she can see better and have less eye strain and headaches.

This week I have been doing a lot of reflecting. My 30th birthday is in a few days and when I was 18 I made a list of everything I wanted to do before 30. Some were serious and some were silly, I accomplished most. Things like get married, have children, live on my own for a couple years, and get college degrees are all checked off. I never made it to Europe, bought a house, or met Collin Firth but those were far fetched! I thought about what I want next, what do I need, what should I do? Then I realized something, cancer changed me deeply. The things I want now are so big or impossible that I may never reach them fully. Things like killing my kid's cancer and removing NF1 from her all
together, making my student loans disappear, and having a magical refrigerator that never runs low on food may never be in my cards. So what do I want for this next phase of my life that is possible? More peace and less stress, more hope and less depression, more family fun time and less hospital time but most of all, more birthdays with my Emma. As an 18 year old I never imagined that I would see so much joy before 30; marrying the love of my life, the birth of three beautiful daughters, the establishment of a highly sought after career but then so much pain with cancer, the death of our child River, and letting go of my career. Life comes at you in waves, you cannot stop the waves but you can learn to surf. Before 40 I wish to learn how to surf.

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