Monday, May 25, 2015

Please Excuse My Mess

Run it off
You may notice that Mama here is messy. I will not apologize for it or make excuses either. When I found out Gracie will have a battle as well, that I might have TWO kids with cancer my world shattered again. Not enough Mommy to go around. Normally I have more patience, normally my house is a little more clean, normally my gas tank is full and my car sparkles, normally I have showered and put on make up.

But this is not normal. I might look like a Mommy but I am skin and fried brain held together by caffeine and prayer. I have been pushed way past my breaking point. 

This week I was hit by emails, blog comments, Facebook messages and thread comments offering prayer and love. It was so heartwarming to know that as we pick up a second sword to fight a second dragon we have an army at our side. I cried tears of gratitude as Mamas with their own battles offered to help or sent love. I laughed as friends tried to cheer me up with funny memes on social media. I sat in prayer with CDs and books that loved ones have sent to me over the last few months about finding Joy in sorrow. The outpouring of love was amazing.

Along with the good always comes the not so good. I keep reminding myself that 90% of the time people have good intentions and not to take things personally. However, there are specific cliches and statements that seriously offend mothers of cancer fighters. Mostly I did not respond to these this week out of fear of being rude and or sarcastic. Things in writing cannot be taken back, I took a step back and let it alone. 

Some of you may not know these hurt so badly. So please excuse my mess as I try to talk about my frustrations. I may not be eloquent but I am going to try. I am not targeting anyone specifically, please remember how public our fight is and we receive many comments on many forums throughout the day. 

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." False. If it were true there would be no foster kids because their parents could handle them, no rehab because no one would be self medicating with drugs and alcohol, no suicide because people would know they could handle what cards were dealt.

 "Be strong" or "Just keep going." As if I have another choice? This phrase makes me feel like I have to be perfect all the time. No, there are alternatives. Instead tell me to be mad, rip an old shirt into a million pieces, break plates, scream into a pillow, go for a run. Tell me to lose my shit and feel the pain. If I am "strong" all the time I will break beyond repair, we need to let grief out in productive ways.

Here are great things to say instead.
"Oh crap, I'm sorry!"
"So not fair!"
"Can I help?"
"God helps you handle what you've been given, turn to Him."
"I am praying for you."

While I am on the subject please no more stories about people you know that died of cancer or NF. I try not to think about the fact that most likely I will out live two of my three kids...I don't need reminding.

Thank you to everyone who rallied this week to support us. The people who selflessly gave of time, energy, and talent to help with our online auction. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love. When the dust settles we will certainly return the favor but for now we are a mess and really do need the help. Please keep offering, I have a hard time asking for help.

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