I was talking to a friend recently about miscarriage and told her to give her friend my info and I would help her though it. She remarked how strong I am to think of others when I am going through stuff myself. That text made me think...why am I compelled to help others? I wrote her back something like this; I have had a rough life, a lot of suffering was involved. I cannot change the past and I cannot control the future but I can help others through their trials.
Did you know we suffered from infertility and loss? We did and it nearly broke my heart.
I always planned to be a mother. Watching my parents go through marriage after marriage and nasty divorces I never thought I would get married but kids were always a part of my plan. I told myself that if I was not married by 30 I would adopt a child. I didn't plan to set aside all my plans for a Prince Charming...and then I married my high school sweetheart. Two young lovers eagerly hoping to get pregnant. Nothing should have prevented a 21 and 22 year old from conceiving quickly but month after month, year after year nothing happened. I sat in an infertility clinic at 25 years old looking around at the gray heads near by. I had no business being here, it wasn't fair. Each Mother's day I cried and stayed home with a batch of cookie dough, 80's comedies and jammies. Then a year later God gave me what I always dreamed of, a baby...x 2. Overnight I was a Momma to TWO babies. Two fragile, NICU, micropreemie angel babies. A year later we were amazed to be expecting another baby. After doctors told us we would never conceive another a sweet little one worked his way into our hearts. Then a couple days before my first Mother's day as a mother River passed away. Thankfully a few months after his death we conceived Cora and she was a perfectly healthy, full term baby.
Emma wasn't just wanted, she was deeply and prayerfully and desperately desired. She and her sisters were an answer to my cry to God. When Emma was diagnosed with cancer my heart broke into a million pieces. It is still there, just broken and the pieces are forced together with coffee, prayer, and love. It is not fair. Why us? I never will understand how cancer picks it's people. It happens so randomly but I can say for sure that Karma is bogus. If Karma was true Emma never would have had cancer.
As hard as this journey of motherhood has and will continue to be I am so thankful that God answered my prayers. If He had sat me down years ago and said, "I can give you children but one will have cancer" I would have looked right at Him and said, "I will love her." Emma was the first baby I held who was mine to keep. She looked up at me with those deep brown eyes and she had me. Forever I am grateful that I have little girls who call me Momma.
To honor Emma, raise money for St. Jude's, and destress this gal we will be running the Disney Half Marathon in January. If you are a runner, if you like a challenge, if a half marathon was on your bucket list too, or if you are also just a little crazy...JOIN US! More info on it's way but if you are interested in running with Team Emma in January contact us by email or Facebook and go to this link for more details. Disney Half - Star Wars